Dr Speedbump’s
10 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
for 2004


1)   Keep my focus and avoid going off on tangents.
"Tangents" -- that's trigonometry -- which reminds me -- I should always remember to shave between my nostrils.  My high school trigonometry teacher often forgot and he looked really stupid.   I hated Trig and didn’t learn what a "cosine" was until years later when I tried to trade in my Ford compact for a big Ford Explorer.  I couldn't get the loan, so I had to keep my Focus. "Ah Glasshoppa, there are no tangents, just bigger circles."  

2)   I have a slight memory problem.  Actually, it doesn’t bother me -- but it’s frustrating for my wife, uh, What’s-Her-Name.   So, I’ll do something about it.

3)   I might also have a memory problem.  I’ll just learn to live with it.

4)   Get a haircut before I get one from the garbage disposal again.

5)   Lose 5 poundsIf the haircut doesn’t do it, I'll try trimming my toenails or biting off some of my tongue.

6)   Try to be sensitive about the little things that inexplicably irk my wife.  This will obviously necessitate another list in a smaller font.  
     (a)  give her a more expensive birthday present, because she wasn’t happy last year
                    with the ThighMaster;
               (b) stop calling her “What’s-Her-Name”. How about “Wife 1.0”?
               (c) if she wants to talk to me, I should stop using the computer before she smashes it
                    with theThighMaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  a  a  a   a   a   a     a