The Attention Deficit Compan



Music by
Richard Rodgers
Book & Lyrics by Dr Speedbump
with apologies to
Oscar Greeley Clendenning Hammerstein II

SCENE: Greenland; a small US Army Radar Station; recently.
SALMON ELLA -- a clairvoyant, rotund, middle-aged Eskimo in a furry parka; probably a woman, but it's hard to tell.
SCHLEMIEL reBITT -- a voyageur, a Jewish-French-Canadian who lost his way in his bateau en route to New Orleans (or maybe to New Jersey). He now works as a hunting and fishing guide.
QUIETTE -- a Jewish-French-Canadian-Eskimo teenager, probably a girl -- just let go from her job as a telephone solicitor perhaps because she's a mime.
LIEUTENANT LABILE -- a voyeur (not to be confused with voyageur or clairvoyant) who has been in the Arctic a long, long time. He's commissioned as a Substitute Missile Deployment Officer on temporary duty here.
SERGEANT SMELLY -- a voluptuous Army cook with big Belugas, definitely a woman.
CHORUS LINE -- four young soldiers, four Eskimos and two fur seals. The only characters, along with Quiette, who are not yet really grumpy about being in Greenland.

revealing a backdrop made of one plain white bed sheet.
SALMON ELLA: [gazing prophetically at the bed sheet]
Can you hear that whisper on the wind?
Here am I, your special iceberg.
Come to me, come to me.
That iceberg will be your own special island, Llewellyn.
LT LABILE: That's "Lieutenant", you walrus-wannabe. I can't stop shivering, even when my finger's on the launch button for an ICBM. Surely, I'm not going to live on that super-sized ice cube.
SALMON ELLA: Oh yes you are, Llewellyn -- and don't call me Shirley. [They start to tussle.]
QUIETTE: [gracefully motions her arms like a referee to separate the combatants -- and then, just as gracefully and with amazing rapidity, she pitches a big mess tent for the Main Act.]

THE MAIN ACT [You have been warned]
SMELLY: Ouch! The pesky black flies in this tent are biting my Belugas. The yellow-repellent candles are useless. Tell me, Schlemiel -- you've been wandering around here since before this play was written -- what do you use to keep the bugs away?
DEET pour moi. That's what !
Dear Mad'moisselle
DEET pour moi. That's what,
keeps bugs away.
DEET pour moi. That's what.
Not Citronella
Nor Skin-So-Soft
I use OFF
Cream or spray
LABILE: Smelly, come quick! There's a polar bear in the latrine again.
SMELLY: OK! Help me with the fire hose.
I'm gonna flush that bear right outta the can.
I'm gonna flush that bear right outta the can
I'm gonna flush that bear right outta the can
and send him on his way.
I'm gonna sing that phrase again and again,
I'm gonna ....
SALMON ELLA: Enough already !
Salmon Ella says that's -- quite enough
Salmon Ella says that's -- quite enough
Salmon Ella says that's -- quite enough
This play is so damn bad !
SCHLEMIEL: Assez déjà! Enough already to you, too. These repetitive lyrics are more irritating than the black flies in my shorts. I'm leaving with my rifle to hunt snowshoe hare.
A hunter with one
for a little Bunny Hunt
Gonna have a Bunny Hunt toniiight.
SCHLEMIEL: How deep is the snow out there?
Belly high. It's cold, too.
Every night, every day ...
Belly high, belly high, belly high!
SMELLY: Enough already! I'll call you later, Schlemiel, to get your recipe for Cajun Turkey-Wing Chowder.
SMELLY: Walkie-Talkie
SMELLY: Walkie-Talk
SCHLEMIEL: Talk about wings you'd like to stew.
SALMON ELLA: Hey!! That's supposed to be my song.
SMELLY: Says who?
SALMON ELLA: Says me ! [They start to tussle.]
QUIETTE: [gracefully referees again].
LABILE: Schlemiel, tell me the secret for catching salmon. They're biting, but they always get away.
SCHLEMIEL: Perhaps there's too much slack in your fishing line.
It's got to be taut, or fish steal your bait
This is a rule I can't overstate
Reel in the slack and patiently wait
It's got to be carefully taut.
Fish after fish you'll excruciate ...
LABILE: Enough already ! I got the idea. At least you didn't repeat the exact same words ad nauseam like in almost every other song in this stupid play. Now you can go whack a baby seal on the head with a stick or something -- and let me spy on Smelly through the hole in the tent.
I'm as horny as Clinton in office
I'm as orn'ry as Saddam Hussein
And you will note there's a bump in my coat
when I peek at that blubberful dame.
(He yells to her through the hole):
Hey Smelly ! Won't you be impressed when I catch lots of salmon for Thanksgiving dinner?
SMELLY: Eeek!! Oh, it's just Pervert First Class Labile. We do need more fish. We're putting on a Thanksgiving show – a "Gregorian Dinner Theater" – and an entire company of Special Forces will arrive at 2300 hours PM. I'll cook the fish; but I can't help you clean them.
Salmon chanted evening.
You may seat the Rangers
You may seat the Rangers
Inside the crowded room
Then you'll be outside
Just chilled to the bone
And all through the night
You will clean all alone

QUIETTE: [after gracefully taking down the tent, she gracefully flails her arms and wiggles her ears.].
SMELLY: What are you saying, Quiette? OK ... Let's see ...
SMELLY & CHORUS (ad lib) ... uh, 29 words ... first word ... uh ... sounds like ... arooo, aroooo ... hyphenated-word ... 28th word ... QUIETTE: [gracefully shivers and salutes, aims an imaginary rifle while hopping up and down in a stooped position, swings an invisible hammer, points out to sea, peers through her cupped hands, crosses her eyes, makes a paddling motion, shakes her head, pretends to spear something twice, points down and then raises both arms like a flower blooming – all done with grace and poise, of course].
SMELLY: Could you repeat that?
Wait, enough already -- I've got it!
"Llewellyn Labile and Schlemiel reBitt are staked out on their own special iceberg to spy on near-sighted Eskimo whalers in kayaks so they don't accidentally harpoon another nuclear submarine."
Oh my goodness, we may never hear from them again.
THE AUDIENCE: [cheers and applauds ambiguously.]

QUIETTE: [Shouting] Enough already!