A Galaxy Far, Far Away






COSMIC QUESTIONS
[Really just another name for "Abysmal Thoughts"]



  • Is there a giant closet somewhere in the universe where all the lost Bic pens go?
    Will somebody find it some day and open the door and get squashed in the avalanche?
    Will he get killed or just all black and blue?

  • Is it true that nothing can escape from a Black Hole, not even light or a Bic pen?
    If so, wouldn't it be a good place to put all our nuclear waste, pedophiles, nuclear weapons, IRS files, accordions, mimes, Don Rickles and Barney?

  • If time slows down as you approach the speed of light, how long would it take a gum-chewing space cop to write out your speeding ticket?

  • How long would you be stuck in your car on the Long Island Expressway if a foot of snow fell all at once with a horrendous thud? Would you miss the Apocalyse? How would you know?

  • Why do men have nipples?

  • When you mow the lawn, are there thousands of tiny screams that get drowned out by the sound of your mower?

  • When Jesus Christ was a carpenter and he hit his thumb with a hammer, did he yell his own name? Do you suppose that, one late December day in 1 B.C., Joseph struck his own thumb with a hammer and yelled out you-know-what. Do you think, maybe, a rather rotund Mary responded sweetly, with that pure and demur innocence that made her such a good BVM, "I like it! That's what we'll call the baby!"


  • When the Maharaji is meditating for as many days as there are rats in Rhajastan,
    what does he do when he has to pee?
    Do you suppose he has a catheter?
    Or does he just lift his lotus like the guy in this picture?"


  • What would happen on New Year's Eve if everyone in New York City (except the stupid drunks in Time Square, of course) were to flush their toilets when the ball drops to the bottom?
    Would the sewers back up and flood the city?
    Would the drunks care?

  • If wishes were horses, can you imagine what lust would be?Pistol Nebula

  • BONUS·QUESTION:
    If you transplanted a monkey's brain into a man, and the man's brain into the monkey,
    which one would be the first to fall out of a tree?