A 50-STEP PATH TO CONSTANT MISERY
With all the love and beauty in this world, there might be times when our negative attitudes are overcome and we actually feel somewhat happy or content. This danger can be avoided if we work diligently to maintain our misery. The following guidelines may be useful to all self-proclaimed victims and martyrs in our daily battles to avoid serenity. There's no need to attempt all 50 steps -- pick a dozen and design your own 12-Step Program.
1. Think about yourself and your problems all the time.
2. Imagine the worst consequences of any action and worry about them a lot.
3. Try to make other people live their lives the way you think they should.
4. Don't do anything if there is any possibility that something will go wrong, because you know it will.
5. Be sure to let your day be spoiled by things you can't control, such as the weather, traffic, your hair, or another person.
6. Always look for flaws. No one or anything is perfect. Find the imperfections and point them out to everyone.
7. Don't get enough sleep to feel fully rested. Being tired all the time makes it easy to be morose.
8. Skip meals whenever you can. Dissatisfaction with hunger and weakness will carry over quite nicely to other aspects of your life.
9. Brood whenever you have the opportunity. If something goes wrong, let everybody see you isolate yourself to make the most of it.
10. Watch the news and ponder how much evil and misfortune there is in the world. Then blame God.
11. Let material wealth be your ultimate goal.
12. Take notice of people who have more than you, or are better looking, or more talented, have kinder relatives, or more friends, or are otherwise superior to you, when you know that they don't deserve it.
13. Remind yourself that God has more important things to do than to look after you. Keep telling yourself that you're on your own.
14. Always blame somebody for things that go wrong. Justice demands that you decide who is at fault in every instance. Tell them so, if possible; at least tell others. Sometimes it's helpful to blame yourself, if you do it relentlessly.
15. Try to do too much or nothing at all. If you can be overwhelmed or resentful, it's just as self-defeating as being slothful and bored with life.
16. If you find yourself getting angry about something, either yell obscenities at someone who had no control of it, or stuff the feeling entirely.
17. Make important decisions when your angry.
18. Begin a lot of sentences with "You should..." and "If only..."
19. Hang out with other toxic people as often as possible.
20. Make your happiness contingent upon the behavior of others.
21. Make sure everything has to be perfect before you're satisfied.
22. Never, ever ask for help. If some is offered, refuse it.
23. Think about about how much better things used to be, and worry frequently about the future.
24. Spend all your time trying to get someplace else.
25. Never admit you were wrong.
26. Life is serious business -- Don't take anything, especially yourself, lightly.
27. Wallow in self-pity.
28. Consider life as something to be endured.
29. Try to please everyone, including other Miserables and persons you don't even respect.
30. Predict failure.
31. Expect disappointment.
32. Keep doing things the same way you always have.
33. Have a few drinks to anesthetize yourself or to forget your troubles.
34. If you don't feel loved, eat a lot.
35. Try to fix everyone else's problems before you tend to your own.
36. Set unrealistic goals, then go into despair when you can't achieve them.
37. Hold on to resentments until the offending party apologizes, no matter how many years it takes.
38. If possible, never forgive anyone, especially yourself.
39. Don't trust anyone. Even if you're not paranoid, they could still be out to get you.
40. Take everything personally. Keep in mind that irritating you is the main reason for everything that others do.
41. Avoid music and the other arts. Never try to sing, especially in church, because you're confident that you don't have any talent.
42. Call yourself derogatory names when you make a mistake. If possible, do it when the children are listening.
43. Never accept a compliment. Invite insults instead; and always believe them to be true.
44. Assume that everyone can read your mind.
45. Be confident that your negative feelings are a true reflection of reality, because feelings are never wrong.
46. Think of aging as "going downhill."
47. Second guess every decision you make.
48. Whine a lot.
49. Never finish anything.
50. If at all possible, avoid prayer.