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NEWS THAT DIDN'T FIT

Here are some news stories that you didn't read in the newspaper,
due to government censorship, editorial discretion, or because the event never happened

- TUPPERWARE PARTY CHOOSES PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
- NO WORD YET FROM MIMES LOST ON MOUNT McKINLEY
- AMISH CRIME FAMILY PLOTS POWER-PLANT BOMBING -- THEN GOES TO A MOVIE
- POCKET PROTECTORS SPARK CLASS-ACTION SUIT BY ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS
- SHAQ TAKES ON IRAQ
- ORGANS AS COLLATERAL FOR STUDENT LOANS? REPUBLICANS DIVIDED
- MOUNT RUSHMORE ERUPTS -- LAVA FLOWS FROM LINCOLN'S NOSE
- STEPHEN HAWKING FALLS FROM WHEELCHAIR WITH BIG BANG
- DR KEVORKIAN FILMS EXERCISE VIDEO FOR GERIATRIC HEART PATIENTS
- SNOWBOUND VEGANS CANNIBALIZE A COWBOY
- STURGEON-GENERAL ISSUES HEALTH WARNING ABOUT CAVIAR
- ROLLERBLADE BASKETBALL APPROVED BY NCAA
- VATICAN DENIES SECRET MARRIAGE OF POPE JOHN PAUL TO MRS. PAUL
- "IT'S A SMALL WORLD" SAUDI DOLLS SINK BOAT FULL OF JAPANESE TOURISTS
- SHOPPING MALL SANTA WAVES TO KIDS WHILE EXITING HELICOPTER
- WHEN HUSSEIN DROVE KURDS FROM IRAQ, WHY WERE WHEY ALLOWED TO STAY?
- LEPERS MARCH ON WASHINGTON -- BUREAUCRATS FLEE IN TERROR