SETTING: The 16th Century A Pig Farm in Denmark (where else?)
DRAMATIS PERSONAE: PORKY, King of the Danish Hams PIGLET, Son to the Late, and Nephew to the Present, King BALONIUS, Lord Chamberlain, Porky's Chief Counselor KEVIN THE BACON, Son to Balonius LADY PIGGY, Queen of the Danish Hams BABE, Daughter to Balonius
SCENE I: Outside the Barn, at Night
(A ghost enters the barnyard) Balonius: Who art thou that stalketh out of the corn stalks? Stay! Speak! Kevin: Forsooth! A crown doth adorn his head. 'Tis the King himself. Balonius: Fivesooth! An apple doth adorn his dentures.
'Tis a visage of the late King, the boar of Lady Piggy, who bore his Piglet!
Now, his brother Porky doth pork Piggy.
(The ghost exits)
SCENE II: In the Barn, the Next Day
Porky: G-g-g-good Piglet, how is it that the c-c-clouds still hang on you?
Mourn ye still your father's p-p-passing? Swine are bred but to be b-butchered.
We live to die, passing through n-nature to eternity. Piglet: 'Tis said the undead king was afoot on the farm just yesternight.
Methinks he came for you, dear Mother. Piggy: Moi? Porky: F-fear not, my curly-tail queen. Now my n-nephew and my son ... Piglet: More than kin and less than kind, you murdering mother f ... Piggy: Forget it, Piglet! Nor shall you do mine ear that violence. Piglet: Vanity and profanity, thy name is woman.
SCENE III: In Balonius' Sty
Balonius: Babe, my daughter -- and Kevin, my son --
harken to this wise old pig.
Babe, give every man thy ear; but they will fail to make a silk purse.
Kevin, neither a borrower nor a lender be.
Borrowing dulls the edge of animal husbandry.
This above all: to swine own self be true.
Thou canst not then be false to any other ham. Babe: Piglet hath gone off to Hamburg, and I froth at the mouth for his return.
He hath importuned me with love. Kevin: Ah, the perils of the castle tower.
You froth at the mouth not for being smitten by a romantic prince,
but for being bitten there by a rabid bat. Thou art merely mad.
Thou art pale of palor. Here, sip this water. Babe: Aieeeeeeeee!
(Babe exits hastily). Kevin: Vanity and insanity, thy name is woman.
SCENE I: Behind the Barn --
A chicken is scratching in the dirt.
Chicken: Buck, Bark! The skull, I found the skull! Piglet: Whose is it, pray tell? Chicken: It's mine, it's mine. I dug it up. Finders, keepers. Piglet: Nay, you dumb cluck. Whose skull was it?
Chicken: Hey, pink prince, you are the one who asketh the dumb questions.
'Twas the skull of a donkey, but he doth not need it now.
So it's mine. Buck, Bark! Piglet: Alas, poor E-Yore! I knew him.
He hath borne me on his back a thousand times.
Here hung those droopy lips. Where be your plaintive brays now?
Your dreary demeanor.
Your perpetual pessimism, which apparently was well-founded after all.
I believed you not. Forgive me, poor E-Yore.
SCENE II: The Barnyard
Piglet: Bacon! I smell Bacon! Hello Kevin, you malodorous hypocrite.
Thou hast frightened my beloved Babe, my hydrophobic honey, to her death
and now thou doth pretend to mourn.
We'll duel with pitchforks and I'll give thee cause to wail and weep. Porky: My Queen, our son shall win. Piggy: He's fat and scant of breath.
Here, Piglet, take my napkin and wipe thy brows.
My, this slop smells strangely sweet.
The slop, the slop! I am poisoned. Aaargh!
Kevin: (Dips his pitchfork in the slop and pokes Piglet's rump, then his own foot.)
The King's to blame. Now, Piglet, thou art slain.
(Piglet dips his fork in the slop and stabs the King.) Piglet: Here, thou incestuous, murderous, stuttering swine. Follow my mother. Kevin: O proud death, what feast you'll bring to the farmhouse this night.
Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Piglet, before we rest.
Good night, sweet prince: and flights of buzzards wing thee to their nest!