JONATHAN'S
RESTAURANT and DAY-CARE CENTER


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Dr Speedbump's
"MODEST PROPOSALS"

In the spirit of Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal"*, Dr Speedbump presents solutions to the dilemmas of our society. He invites you to comment --DrSpeedbump@DrSpeedbump.com but be sure to read the last line of "Politics". Suggestions of other problems to solve are most welcome.


GUNS IN SCHOOL

Every school district shall have a charter school that is available only to children whose parents have no guns in the house. In the other schools of the district, guns shall be mandatory (like part of the dress code). Then let the parents choose which school their children will attend.


RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS

A review of recent events reveals that white men with guns sometimes shoot black men with guns ... and vice versa. Thus, the common denominator is twofold --- men with guns. Furthermore, most men are slobs; most women are not. So, women are better qualified than men to command a "well-ordered militia". The Second Amendment just says "citizens". In the event of a true threat to the liberty of our Free State, women may choose to distribute arms to men, but not necessarily "firearms", nor live ammunition, neither of which are specified by the Second Amendment.

RIGHT TO LIFE vs RIGHT TO CHOOSE

Re: Late-Term Abortions -- It shall be permissible to terminate a pregnancy anytime before the fetus is no longer dependent and can truly fend for itself. Say, age 16, when it can get a job.



WELFARE & INFLATION

Anyone who earns more than $200K in a year shall live for one month with someone who earned less than $10K. The well-to-do will either (1) develop a bond and help support the needy person in the future or (2) make sure they earn less than $200K the following year (perhaps by raising employee salaries or lowering the cost of goods or services).


TRAFFIC and AIR POLLUTION

Employees shall be required to work an extra 10 minutes without pay for every mile (beyond 5) that they drive to work. To encourage car-pooling, the overtime may be divided among the occupants of each vehicle.


ISRAEL and PALESTINE

Put the mothers in charge by having a mandatory child-exchange program. Every Israeli adolescent shall spend one year (from 13th to 14th birthday) in a Palestinian home. Every Palestinian adolescent shall likewise spend a year living with an Israeli family. Thus, mothers will teach these children tolerance before their military service. As a last resort, the Holy Land shall revert to Christian pilgrims; the Israeli people shall be sent to Cuba and the Palestinians to Puerto Rico. The present residents of these islands can either deal with it or move to Jerusalem.


SMOKING and HEALTH

Teenagers obviously do not fear lung cancer or heart disease. Thus, the Surgeon General's warning shall state that smoking causes genital itching, permanent PMS, and erectile dysfunction. There is no need to solve the health problem of adults smoking. It will be solved by attrition.



* Didn't you do your required reading in high school? In 1729, Jonathan Swift wrote an essay entitled "A Modest Proposal -- For Preventing The Children of Poor People in Ireland From Being A Burden to Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public". To read this essay now, click on the Jonathan's ad at the top of this page.