The Short Attention Span Playhouse
The curtain rises, while a taped overture plays and a spotlight shines on a muddy galosh patched with duct tape, but hardly anyone in the audience understands Mr Hitchcock's subtlety.
[Taped "overshoe". Get it? Oh, never mind.]
Alfred Hitchcock [dressed as a nun in a cowboy hat] comes out of a video store, "Psycho" in hand, as Marion Crane is going in.
The Audience: There he is! There he is!
Marion: Hi Mr. Hitchcock – Great cameo!
Alfred: Thanks, Janet. I thought so too.
[To the audience]: Goot evening! Now that you’ve seen me, you can relax and follow the story.
Marion [Driving a car, North by Northwest. Well...pretending to drive. This is a no-budget play:]
I’m as sweaty as Scarlet O’Hara during the big fire scene.
I’ll stop for a shower right after I sing to the tune of "Lonely Goatherd".
The hills are alive with the sound of Norman ...
[Marion enters, Norman continues:]
Oh, hi Janet ! Take Room 1. I'd put you in Room 14, but it's a crime scene that's been cordoned off. [He straightens a painting on the wall.] I’ll look in on you when I get back from Perkin's Pancake House, to see how you’re doing. In the meantime, we'll show the audience a really creepy animated picture of a blinking eye.
Mother Bates: Acting doesn’t look too difficult -- I think I’ll take a stab at it. [She does.] I’ve got to tell Mr. Hitchcock that the shower in Room 1 has a Torn Curtain. Any Peeping Tom could spy on our guests through the Rear Window.
Marion [to the tune of "Singing in the Rain]":
Little Presidents [Reprise -- gargling as Norman watches the car sink into the off-stage swamp]: Old, old, lady older lady ...
Norman: Mother, now there’s a dead detective at the bottom of the stairs. This is for The Birds. Don't tell me he had Vertigo and fell down all 39 Steps. I bet you assumed he was The Man Who Knew Too Much -- but he was The Wrong Man. You must be crazy!
Mother [who goes very, very limp, like a bag of bones, as Norman carries her off]:
Crazy? I’m crazy? I’m crazy??
Norman: Stay in the fruit cellar, Mother, while I sing to the tune of "When I Marry Mister Snow".
Marion’s Sister [when the chair turns, disclosing Mother's corpse]: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
[Norman re-enters, in drag, with a knife.
He jumps from the stage and runs up the center aisle.]
Audience: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !
[Time passes ... What's the hurry? Nobody's left in the theater.
Norman is seated, wrapped in a blanket]
Alfred [singing with a Freudian accent]:
Mad boy, mad boy, vhatcha gonna do?
Vhatcha gonna do vhen zey come for you?
Norman [Reprise, in Mother's voice, slowly and softly ... still the the tune of Mister Snow]